I hate the way I write

January 10, 2006

I hate the way I write.

I mean i really, really hate the way I write. It takes so much for me just to get out a coherent sentence, and when I do manage that, it usually sounds as if some retarded kid from Sabi-Sabi wrote it while high on crack. I have to constantly think of how I want to sound, and match it with what i am writing; the process is slow and extremely tedious, and the results tend to be mixed.

And so when i decided to write a blog (I mean really write, not just create a blog that is never to be seen again by the face of mankind), I promised myself I would write without over-thinking it, otherwise I would never end up posting anything at all. Even now, I have recorded only a tiny share of the posts that I have wanted to write, just because I didn’t want to put anything down before I had an absolutely complete entry fixed within my mind, with detailed, insightful analysis and careful composition.

So when I do look back at my previous posts, I literally cringe; the writing seems so unpolished, awkward and simply so bad that all i want to do is just delete the whole damned thing. But after much inner turmoil, I manage to stop myself. Who knows, maybe in a few months I will be able to look back at my early, clumsy attempts at writing, and be confident that I have moved on, to a more assured voice, and controlled structure.

But until then, all I can do is write. And hide my head in shame. Of course since I have taken great care to make this blog anonymous, one can assume that I have already done so, just by protecting my identity from my huge flocks of readers. (That was sarcasm at the end, by the way. See how bad I am?)


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